RED VELVET is tomorrow. All my work is up in the gallery, I am feeling relief that all I have to do now is show up, enjoy myself and give Sheena a big congratulations hug. While struggling to find inspiration and the drive to finish my work for this show I have been going through some odd times.
I have been a mess recently, really really a complete mess. Not thinking nor doing the things I know I should be. I have forgotten a lot of things, forgotten why I am on this planet. Forgotten what I’m good at and how to avoid the things I’m bad at. But this is who I am, at the core a very good person with good intentions but it’s taken me a while to finally own up to the fact that I can sometimes be a very awful person who does awful things.
So admittedly I’ve been a little depressed lately and I suppose I’ve been trying to drink myself out of it. But obviously being drunk is much more like drowning than rising and I am hoping with all my might that I can RISE above the dark current that seems to be much stronger than me and looking in all directions for that branch or that break in water, that I could possibly lift myself up to safety. And then the only memory of my near drowning will be the soaking wet clothes clinging to my body and even they eventually will be stripped away and I will be warm again.
So been doing a lot of thinking recently about how I react to things, how my emotions keep me from expressing how I truly feel. Another journal entry:
April 9th, 2009
No one likes to argue, well except for people who are addicted to it. I for one grew up in a home, a family, where conflict was the way to resolve all matters. We don’t see eye to eye on something? Let’s fight about it. You hurt my feelings? Let’s fight about it. You didn’t give me what I wanted exactly when I wanted it? Let’s most definitely fight about. This was the pattern with things and last night I realized “OH MY GOD” I have sabotaged every single relationship because of my anger and my inability to express my feelings in any other way besides yelling, slamming, stomping and huffing. It’s only been very recently that I have been pushed by him to be open, not angry and closed off, but open and exposed. “Just say how you feel. How you really feel. Tell me”. Scary scary words, a truly terrifying notion that I should open my mouth and let this all come out. Do we have enough time? Is your skin thick enough? I have convinced myself that what I have to say will push you away and the things that I think are ridiculous and there you will go running just a fast a possible in the opposite direction. So everyday I get older the problem becomes more clear. The things that are keeping me from happiness, from reaching the next stage, the best possible version of myself are: fear and anger. What a horrible combination but found so often in this world. I wonder how can I shake myself of them. How can I wake up and say “I’m not going to let this or that bother me SO MUCH”? I have a problem. I’m completely aware of it. And the funny thing is, I have gotten much better from how I used to be. My sister and others can attest to that. My temper has gotten soooo much better. So will that fire inside of me just die down with time and old age? Or will it’s embers always linger with me, the danger of any spark igniting them again.
The quietness on my blog, I apologize for this but I’ve been working and thinking and being generally “away” from my computer in the evenings which is when I get my blogging done but needless to say some life will return here relatively soon.
A lot of people ask me why I never write so much here and I think it’s simply because I am better with visuals. I associate emotions and events with images and truly love to tell a story with them much more than with words. However I write all the time, pushing myself to write at least once a day in my journal, an overview of the day’s highs and lows so that I may look back in a week, a month or a year and see some physical proof that I indeed existed on January 8th 2009 or some other date I don’t want to forget. Because time escapes us so quickly, it’s easy to lose a day and all the amazing and/or terrible things that happened on that day get lost right along with it. So it was suggested to me that I share some of this writing here in hopes that the people who read this blog will see I am actually a flesh and bones human being and not just a computer that pushes “publish” every hour Monday through Friday.
It is extremely hard for me to share this. I don’t like how this all sounds when I read it back to myself.
April 1, 2009
There is a bench around the corner from my office where I go to read sometimes and it’s “my bench” now and when I am having an off day it’s an absolute must to go there and read, smoke too many cigarettes, rain or shine. Completely close myself off from all the people passing by going to their next appointment, to lunch, to here, there and everywhere. The sounds of this city disappear and are replaced with your wonderful words read aloud in my head. And especially in the rain sitting there freezing to death I have had these “a ha” moments where the only warmth I feel is from the hot tears rushing down my face and splattering onto the paper in my hands. It’s very good to cry in the rain. The water from the sky and the water from your eyes mixes together and in that moment I realize that quite possibly the whole world is crying with me and I feel a little less alone and a little less small. I have wells of tears from over many years and over many people stored up for such occasions. And in these past few weeks it feels as if I am always on the verge to cry, that any second a word or a glance will be the final hit it takes to crack open my makeshift dam and a huge surge of hot salty water will come pouring down my face.
But I don’t want to complain about it, I like to cry just as much as I hate it.
So sorry for the little hiatus I am taking. Tomorrow I’ll be back to normal, I swear!
For now here are some videos:
this first one I found about 2 years ago forgot about it but I just found it again
another one
this is pretty much all i’ve been listening to lately. i first heard this album last year but just recently became sort of obsessed. this song has 26 plays in my itunes!
Tomorrow we shall return to our regular programming.
it’s Dana’s birthday today, so I’m gonna dedicating this post of old ass pictures to her. A month or 2 ago my harddrive died and I lost about 30gb of pictures spanning like 6 years. YES 30gb of pictures and some porn too. BOO
Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Sleep for 7 hours
Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
Play more games.
Read more books than you did the previous year.
Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
Dream more while you are awake.
Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
Drink plenty of water.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
Smile and laugh more.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don’t compare your partner with others.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Forgive everyone for everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. (I’m trying really hard to do this.)
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
I have 2 shows coming up in February and I am very close to finishing the first painting for one of them. Many more to go but here are some shots of it, still a couple of areas to work out but I am happy with the way it’s going.
I have a lock of my hair from when I was 16 saved in a box. It’s bright fire engine red.
I like some extremely weird salty & sweet food combinations like cheesedoodles with ice cream sandwiches and dipping Wendy’s chicken nuggets in a chocolate frosty.
Pickles and mayonnaise gross me out. I especially hate mayonnaise.
I desperately wish I could speak elvish!
Some careers that I have considered throughout my life but never told anyone would be: an astronaut, a ballroom dancer, a parapsychologist.
One of my favorite movies ever is Kiki’s Delivery Service. I own it on VHS. gah!
I have an obsession with notebooks and paper. I have about 20 notebooks and stacks upon stacks of paper that I have never used, I just like to rub the paper between my fingers.
I took Taekwondo for 4 years. I won a gold medal in a tournament.
I have wanted to go to Japan ALL MY LIFE. On the plane going to China I tried to spot Japan out the window.
I have stayed up many a nights till 4am playing Zelda. A Link to the Past to be exact!
I can’t sleep with socks on.
When I was 12 I took a caterpillar from Virgina home in jar and when I got back to New Jersey it turned into a butterfly and I let it go.
I am allergic to fresh cherries but can eat maraschinos.
1 have 27 beauty marks all over my body.
My two favorite Karoake songs are Rocket Man and Total Eclipse of the Heart.
I can touch my head to my knees.
What are your sweet 16 facts?
Post them here or on your blog and post a link back to me (or who tagged you). Then tag one (or 3 or 5!) blogger(s) to share theirs. I tag Sheena She. Marie. & YOU!
I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that it is 2009. Could it really be true that all these days have slipped by me? 2008 was a monumental year for me and although I fell short of accomplishing many of the things I had set forth for myself, I grew as a person in ways that simply can’t be put into words. For the past five years of my life I felt that I was always on the verge of greatness, only to be let down by myself for not taking chances, for not having the courage to change. So in 2008 it was the moments that I took chances despite being scared out of my mind, that I am most proud of. Am I anywhere close to the place I feel I need to be? Hardly, but each day is a small victory and I slowly piece myself together.
Have you ever read the work of the French author Anaïs Nin? If not, I highly suggest that you delve into her diaries, each sprinkled with endless inspiration and wisdom. She writes from the very core of her heart with passion and clarity. In fact it was the following poem that inspired me to write this post:
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. – Anaïs Nin
This simple yet profound sentence perfectly sums up how I have been feeling the past year. Struggling with the fact that as an artist I am just not where I want to be. It is truly painful to be blocked, to watch the days go by without creating anything, for the ideas and images in my head to have no home and eventually fall away from me. But within the past month, I have had a creative rebirth, the artist in me wanting so badly to be born again, experience life all over with new perspective, new hopes and dreams. The world is going to shit, but I am surrounded by friends, family and a love that gives me life, a hope that everything will be ok. All of my life I have just wanted to create and inspire others and it is this burning desire to spread beauty and love in the world that is the very reason I wake up every morning. Creativity is the creator’s will for me. These words have never rung truer than this very day.
I wish all of you a year of life changing moments, passionate, extraordinary, delicious moments that can’t ever be forgot. All you have to do is take those chances, leap off that cliff and realize when you live with unshakeable courage there will always be arms there to catch you. I leave you with yet another quote by the great Anaïs Nin, one that I have taped up on the wall in front of my desk reminding me always to not live this life on default:
I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy. - Anaïs Nin
